35 Years: Installment One

Happy Birthday Mike!

If I could give you anything for your birthday, it would be the following.

1) The day off work.

2) The day at home with your family in the same state, even, while you eat an English breakfast from the Chip Shop (or would it be corn beef and hash from US Egg?)

3) Then I would beam us quickly to Magic Mountain for a couple of hours (with a babysitter to take care of the kids while we went on all the rides together). We would get to go to the front of every line and eat all the churros you want. Because on your birthday I would cure you of celiac disease, if I could.

4) Then we would get into a helicopter and go to Sonoma where you would taste test every cheese and the wine would magically not have alcohol in it, so you could taste test all of those, too. Having magic powers for you on your birthday is so fun!

5) Then I would transport your brothers, friends, you (and any other family members interested) into Muir Woods where time would freeze for about 4+ hours and you guys would go nuts playing paintball with unlimited paints. And your paint colors would have sparkles, but no one else's would. And I would give you a protective shield so none of the paintballs would actually hit you. And we wouldn't even miss you cos time would have been standing still that whole time as if you were never gone!
(image from visit SF.com)

6) Then we would open your presents. I would get you a wii along with every game they make. And then an xbox 360 along with all the games they make. I would have a lot of krispy kreme donuts waiting for you, since the wheat thing wouldn't be an issue anymore. And you would eat a chicken parm hero from Smiling Pizza in Brooklyn (beamed in, of course) just because it would be a yummy treat you have missed. By this time it might only be noon, so your birthday would just be starting. 7) Then we would take the kids racing on quads, where you would actually be getting 4 of them as another round of gifts. Evan and Zane would magically be able to ride their own in a specialized, contained course with personal assistants. We would all race and I would let you win. Even though we both now I would land the best jumps. Is that even what you do on a quads?

8) Next we would all get into that trusty helicopter of mine that would actually transform into a jet blaster 3000 (Zane would name it this) and we would spend time as a family laying on the grass in the country in France. Those amazing green fields we rode past in the train all those years ago when you woke me up and told me to look out the window at how beautiful it was. We would spend time there until the sun went down playing chase, laughing, being silly.

(photo via flickr)

9) Dinner would appear out of the ground from a magic tunnel and would bring all of us anything we wanted right that moment (like how we all totally benefit from the birthday magic, too?). You would get a huge German Chocolate Cake next! Then the kids would get transported safely home to their beds to sleep with Natalie taking good are of them. Interpol would perform for you before we left.

10) We would then proceed to the Louvre where we would have the entire place rented to ourselves to play hide and go seek naked. I would take your picture posing by David and he would blush. At some point I would wear that little white fluffy number you got me from Frederick's of Hollywood. (photo via daily venture)

11) You change your dream car sort of often, so I would just get a few Lexus sporty cars lined up for you and perhaps some of the quicker BMWs. Then you could take it to race on a real race track. And I wouldn't have to let you win with my magic because we all know those years of playing video games with racing cars would be enough experience for you to own the track.