Since understanding more about what he is learning to do with his Speech Pathologist, I have come to watch social interactions more closely. Often people will engage in conversation and a lot of acting is going on. I do it and I see other people do it. We are so concerned with other peoples' feelings we often pretend to care or be interested in what other says when, in fact, if we are completely honest with ourselves, it might be a terribly boring conversation. But! Because many of us have naturally developed empathy, the people we socialize with in our lives play the same game of pretending and acting. The more I care about a person, the greater genuine interest I may have in what they say. There are also times we are just being a good friend. Do my friends really care about my new vase? Probably not. But they care about me, so they may play along.
Take a week to consider the conversations you participate in. Tally up your own rating scale of how interesting they are. You may find a different ending, but you may also begin to notice a lot of the social ego stroking we do for the sake of kindness.
My son is basically taking social acting lessons. He is learning to play games where to learns to take turns responding and initiating conversations about various topics. He would prefer to only discuss things he is interested in and ignore any other topic another brings up, even with people he cares deeply about. It's the way he is wired. The way he operates actually makes more sense and is true to his own nature. He isn't trying to be rude when he doesn't ask you questions about your vacation. He just truly isn't curious about it and doesn't have a sense of wonder about a trip someone else took that has no relation to him. He is, however, learning because that's how we make friends and keep them. That's how our social world spins and he does want to be part of it. Often you will hear him respond with 'okay' after you say something to him. He learned this in speech as a way to acknowledge to the speaker that he heard them. He used to say nothing. He is working on expanding 'okay' to a comment or question in addition to eye contact.
He is working hard and implementing a lot of learned skills I take for granted and never stop to think about. I am amazed at how far he has come in the past few years. He has become so much more a part of the family's world instead of his own. A lot of that is because of the therapy he receives in addition to our family knowledge gained and understanding of how his mind operates.
Posted by liz at 8:26 PM
I listened to a lesson about kindness on Sunday. The past several weeks I have been lacking in the kindness overflow I am pretty natural at offering most I come into contact with. At times, it feels like a blessing and a curse to enjoy compassion and kindness so much. Over the years I felt uplifted for caring so much about many people, perfect strangers in some instances. Their burdens added to my own with equal level of concern is too heavy and has caused me to pull back and block out to some degree. I have to train myself to not overly care because it brings on anxiety for me.
I believe this is the first year in my life I have decided it's okay for me to not be overly concerned for every single person I meet. I used to want to fix any and every problem I could, be it offering kind words or taking action to mend someone else's conflict. I used to think it was my duty to welcome every single new person that moved into my neighborhood or ward and bring them cookies and check on them often to make sure they were doing okay. Feeling happy and included. The thing is not all of this effort and emotion is necessarily appreciated. It also took away from the focus of my daily responsibilities within my own life, family, and close friends. It was too much.
This was not covered in the lesson. Caring too much. I suppose it's not a common issue. I do appreciate the self-reflection brought on by the topic and certainly find it always joyful to do and say kind things to others. Some people need it more than others do. It's usually clear to see those that have an abundance in that department. That's always a nice thing to identify- prioritizing kindness when you only have so much to give. Inspiration helps guide this.
I love giving strangers or new friends genuine compliments and acts of service. I find them the most caught off guard, more appreciative, and least likely to feel the obligatory need to reciprocate. I love that most about kindness, the act without expecting anything back. It is one of the best feelings.
It's like tossing stars into the sky.
Posted by liz at 7:36 PM