crazy drunk driver

You know those driver simulations you had to pass in driver's ed that had these ridiculous scenarios that made you afraid to really drive. Where you are 'driving' down a suburban road and all of a sudden a parked car door is abruptly opened and you have to swerve out of the way, then a kid chases a ball into the street and you felt bad for failing that session cos it involved 'hitting' a kid. And then you get to start over and remember the car door and kid, but then a tree branch falls down around the corner, an ambulance cuts you off and then there is construction, detours, and one way streets everywhere. Just when you think you are done with the 'drive' you have to parallel park. You can't think of a time you have ever been in a car when someone has actually had to parallel park. Then years go by and you realize all those silly interruptions never really happen and it was all a waste of stress when the only you thing need to worry about is drunk drivers and speeding without a cop around.

Until you live in Brooklyn. Then you are so prepared and instantly remember that class. Only they need to add pot-hole avoidance into the simulation.


Classified Ad by Zane

S/W/M seeking younger female who will not cry when I take her toys away. Must give constant positive reinforcement, clapping included please.

*Pulling own poop out of diaper, sometimes to just look at, sometimes to smear
*Lazy Town, Jack's Big Music Show, Elmo, Grover, Cookie Monster, MTV
*juice boxes, mostly just the straw
*throwing things really hard
*cottage cheese
*hot dogs
*sit n' spin toy
*running aimlessly
*scribbling on myself
*putting things on head (i.e. drum, basket, shoe box)

*opening and closing doors
*children's museums

*kids who play with my toys
*sleeping in late
*diaper changes
*sitting still
*holding mommy's hand
*being strapped in to anything whatsoever

Interested candidates should be at the park on Friday afternoon by the slide.


telling the camera he is a flower turns out well



It's hard to pick my favorite thing about the Bally's in Yonkers.

* circling the parking lot for 20 minutes, waiting for a spot

* the vivacious and often vulgar comments made by the kick boxing instructor

* the English, but sometimes Spanish, yet often spanglish direction given of kick boxing moves

* the perverted men drooling all over the observation glass, placed strategically behind the kick boxing class

* the inability to break your contract with the gym unless you move

*the inability to jump up and down in the kick boxing class without suddenly needing to cross my legs (thanks post-partum mommy malfunction, that's a fun one!)

* the hoochie clothing they try to sell at a discount price by the front desk that I always sort through as if there will ever be a time it will not be hoochie clothing

* the guy who always sits forever on the one piece of machinery I need before I can go home

* the total babes in gold chains, hairy chests, thick accents, and too much cologne

* the raver version of an eminem song, cut into the raver version of Master and Servant by Depeche Mode, of which I am the only one in the building who knows of Depeche Mode

* the odor of the bathroom, which has not been renovated since its original construction in 1903; along with the parking lot



My Soundtrack: The Early Years

The Monkees

shy shy hush hush i do i

abra abra cadabra

Jenny! Jenny! Who can I turn to? (8-6-7-5-3-0-9)

rick springfield

MISTER ROBOTO! domo domo

eye of the tiger


billy joel

80's madonna. L O N G before i knew what the word virgin meant

Gem! And the Holograms!

tommy page

whitney houston- isn't 'the greatest love of all' video the reason we all went to college?

Young MC

the cure*

*Then the flood gates opened and there isn't time/ room (not tonight, anyway) to write about the hundreds of artists that saw me through teenage, college, and adult scenery.