5.13.2008

flour

Yesterday I woke up grumpy. Ginchy, unruly, unreasonably grumpy. I scowled Zane to preschool and barely budged a comfort when he didn't want to stay. I thought to myself how he is probably the lucky son to be able to take a break from The Mommy Grouch.

Evan refused a nap. I wrestled his milk-filled tummy into the jogger and hurried a walk past the nosey neighbor's room with a view. This would not be a morning I could fake a smile to her.

I passed the men in bright orange vests. "Good morning! Sorry about the dust!" I almost tripped on his joyful disposition. You are spending the day wacking the town's weeds along a cannel, what are you so happy about? That's the sort of ugly grumpy I was. But his cheerful smile burned into my head and I couldn't shake it. I couldn't shake the guilt that I had no good reason to be grumpy. China had the earthquake. Not us. I couldn't place the words into my head to get the good going. All were rejected.

I refused to jog even though I was dressed for it and the slight breeze was calling for my sweat. No. I won't. Because I don't feel like it. walkstompwalkstompwalkstomp.
I turn the front wheel into the entrance of the rose garden. Even though my rotten attitude was rolling its eyes. I did it for Evan, because he needed me to be a better mommy this particular day. I opened my mouth and softness came out as I told him about the blue dragonfly that fluttered in front of him. It was there on purpose, to make me get over myself. To make me enjoy this treasure of a day and tell this little guy about it with the pleasant he deserves.

The sticks and twigs taunted us in spring with the ground sprouting little tulips and dainty blossoms. Those were dust compared to the brilliant colors and height of this rose garden. I had never seen it in full bloom before. Endless bushels of pedals varied in colors that line up in perfect rows of hue the way you would select shades of paint. It was the same brilliance in my gut I had when I watched the fire works over the city sitting outside just across the Hudson River.
Just as my ice caps of emotion began to slightly melt I got a call from him. It's was if I devoured a 2 pound box of the best chocolate. He knew exactly what I needed, I couldn't have given instructions to match this needed dose so well.

I gathered Zane from preschool at the prescribed time, fed them a well paced lunch at home, and spend the rest of the afternoon outside at the park and garden. Smiling. Living. Enjoying. Kindness. Finally letting myself be the happy. I have every reason to be. Some people detox by eating different foods and drinks. I detox by ridding my cabin fever and going outside for a day. I woke up this morning like a cleaning and happy child-tending machine (with a heart, unlike those cold robots anonymous dislikes).
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