3.21.2009

raw


This week during my drive to the doctor I thought about the tiny person growing inside of my belly. Each time I make this drive, I have this incredibly private conversation with God in my head. It's like I am looking right into His eyes and letting Him know in that moment I am really trying to understand. How there is little that is up to me on this earth. There is so much more in His control than many of us are willing to be aware of and accept as often as we should. The drive to the doctor's is always an instant dose of a reminder that I frequently forget this fact.

Things could be very wrong. The heart beat could be mute. The experience of feeling her movement could end prematurely at any time. And there is nothing I can do about it. For the most part. I mean, she could also be this incredibly healthy little child that goes full term and that would also have little to do with me. And that's a hard thing to accept. At any moment in time during a pregnancy. Or life in general.

I am not given the exclusive right to anything by simply existing. I am not perfectly appreciative or deserving of specific blessings or wishes. But a lot of the time, I still get them.

And if I don't. I have to be ready to open my mind as to what I am supposed to learn from it. And accept it. With faith and understanding.

*****

So we each have this time available every day and some of us have money, although many do not. And we choose what to do with this time/ money every single day. I have been thinking about that a lot lately. And feeling so small in a huge country/ world filled with growing and urgent needs all around. Needs that require more than thought. Needs that require action, but never beyond the scope of capability we have as a collective society available to move mountains. If we want to.

All these thoughts made a lot more sense to me tonight when I read about this. I love this man. What a divine example he is. I am proud to read of him and know about his service and life. He makes me want to be a better person.
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