8.27.2008

raw

I will never forget the first day I really tried to think about The Mormon Doctrine possibly being real. The possibility that it really might be important, something really big and huge and maybe just maybe it was something I might possibly believe. Just maybe. Kind of. Could be.

I was secretly meeting with missionaries so I could outline exactly what I didn't agree with and then maybe my Mormon boyfriend would let me break up with him. It would be this logical and well planned conversation so we could agree to disagree. I had a plan. He didn't know it. I went to an aunt's house during the whole top secret project. My heart was hard, very hard to the information. But I had questions. I had doubts. I had issues.

So back to that day, when things started to maybe possibly kind of make sense to me in a logical and deeply spiritual way. My Toyota rolled to a stop under a red light at an intersection. I suddenly wanted time to freeze every person so I could share what I was thinking about. Tell everyone that HEY! This might be something- come with me let's go I have something important I am learning! I remember watching every car pass so quickly and thought of every single person in every single car and how everyone is moving so fast in the world to get to one place or another and didn't they all want to just stop and listen to me?! This would be so much more important than wherever they would be heading to. Dinner could wait. This is eternal, this is forever. This is your salvation. It's really a big deal. someone. stop. listen. i think it could be real. i think it. might. be. right. possibly the only really right one. maybe. i am pretty sure. hold my hand and let's talk about it- everyone!

And then the light turned green. And life kept going and I really started to think of nothing else but this religion, this doctrine that was making a whole lot of sense and then the bible was actually easy to read for once. And interesting- it was all so very interesting to me.

I tested and pushed and doubted and folded my arms like a stubborn little girl unwilling to take medicine. And so I finally dropped to my knees and let my heart open for an opportunity to know for reals on that Tuesday morning before starting my day. I finally let myself try it and wanted to know and really asked out loud and really listened. And then I just knew. The way you know a steak is good. A friend is honest. A person it trustworthy. It's just something that comes to you completely full without question- it just is. And no matter what someone else tells you about that steak you ate, everything about who you are knows it was good. You just know it. On your own. There was no conference call. There was no list of things to look for, it's just peaceful. Like the final piece in that 47,365,763 part jigsaw you worked on all summer, it's a feeling that can't be explained properly with any combination of letters.

So when you have an awesome steak, don't you tell everyone you know about it? Don't you get on the phone in the car on the way home and tell everyone to go there? And eat it? And trust you on this one the steak is GREAT. Or if you find that steak place on your own and many people you know had been there but didn't tell you about it, you kind of wonder why.

I wondered why I didn't hear about this before. Most of the people I knew all around me knew a lot about this faith, but didn't talk to me about it. And that made me mad. Pissed. Betrayed.

And that wasn't fair of me to feel that way. It's not an easy thing to do, share something you hold so dear to your heart. It's not easy to feel invasive in others' lives and push religion into their ears when they may not have interest. It might not even be the right time for their ears to hear it.

I now know how it feels to come and go from that steakhouse and not tell people about it the way I want to. The way I could. What am I afraid of? It's not me that would be rejected, although the idea of Him being snubbed does concern me. But I never want to give the illusion this steakhouse is exclusive. And the best part, someone else already paid the bill. Who wouldn't want some?
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