3.22.2008

in between days

I am not sure exactly when it happened, the exact week and day are not clear to me. But somewhere between month five and month six, having two children s l o w l y started to feel normal.

I stopped agonizing about all the things I can no longer accomplish in a regular day like I used to. I stopped missing my less-interrupted flow of doing and going and fell into somewhat of a routine. My days began to take shape of something predictable, to a certain extent, and I stopped warning Mike about this idea of being all done with kids RIGHT NOW. Although both in a doctor's office after a long wait might always merit such warnings. I also think One realized the Other wasn't going back into my belly and has done some admirable adjusting, getting used to a new routine.

I remember for the first several months I had a pit in my stomach every day for two reasons:

1) Zane was missing so much of my time that we enjoyed spending together. Not necessarily a scheduled class at a place and a thing we did, just hang out time doing random things like getting cookies at the bakery on a Tuesday afternoon or playing play-doh to fun music and marching around the kitchen together. There just used to be a lot more extra time to fill. Blank spaces in the day to use any way we wanted to.

2) Evan was missing out on SO MUCH of me Zane got to have as a baby. This baby was literally placed on hold while I would assist with a bathroom emergency with his brother or catch Super Zane from kitchen counters. It didn't seem fair; I was feeling so distant from my baby.

I felt they were both getting shavings of me that couldn't possibly be enough for them to develop normally. Their basic needs and safety were intact and that seemed like all I could offer and that bothered me. I wanted to be two of me so they could both get 100% of what I have to offer. But that's not reality and a stubborn girl doesn't want to accept that. At least not for a number of months, anyway.

A day is a day. My mom would tell me that every time I would call her to cry over feelings of inadequacy or vent about a frustrating day spinning out of control. I finally let it make sense to me. Some days Evan gets snuggled a lot more and talked, plus songs from his mommy. And it's alright if I don't match that attention equally or even by fifty percent with his brother. And it's alright if Evan sits happily to watch Zane and I play Candyland as he is the one to get more cuddles another day. It's also alright if too many cartoons are watched one day so I can accomplish necessary household chores and administrative duties. By the end of the week, it seems to feel balanced and I am finally content with how this must have to work. So I can laugh again, smoothed out the worry crinkle on my forehead and enjoy these awesome people in my life. They know I love them even if they are all getting much smaller pieces of the pie than I would like to offer.
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