tomorrow at 7pm i will be drumming my little heart out. i can't remember trying so hard for something so exciting since trying to snowboard a halfpipe in Tahoe. eating meals seems like stealing time away from the drumming. taking mental breaks from trying too hard. practicing so hard.
my arm is weak from the constant hitting of the hi-hat cymbals. my stress level is up and there are so many little details in the songs I have to ignore because it would take me a couple more weeks to incorporate them well into the basic beats I have somewhat mastered. Trying to pull all of them together at this point would throw off the rhythm in the codes I have cracked and cause a ruckus of noise. Must go with basics and hope they realize a week isn't enough time to perfectly master one song, let alone two.
confidence from yesterday turned to mush during spots of frustration today. getting some things wrong and dropping a stick a few times. I have to mentally release the stress from my shoulders as I play and can hear it in my playing once I ease up. it's amazing how well I sound when I am not thinking about it and actually relax. how can i feel that way tomorrow in front of 3 strangers? and my one chance with them to shine?
they will look to me to carry the beats and i will look to them for the musical cues and transition from verses to chorus. will they be in sync? will they sound anything like their recorded selves? Or will it be chaos that greatly distracts me from my playing? I have no idea what it will be like or how I will do under pressure.
I have to continue to remind myself that this is a fun and exciting experience and it's not a reality t.v. series where people will make fun of me if I screw up. I will most likely never see any of these guys again so it's really nothing more than an experience to play live music. Which is something recently sought-after and new to me.
on the off-chance i turn out to be okay and jive with this band, it would be completely amazing. like stars in the sky are amazing and my son's eyes are amazing. unearthly amazing to me. and that hope scares me into some fear of disappointment for anything less. actual potential to feel a little hurt and dejected and that feeling sucks. so i want to avoid that. but it's too late because i sort of really want this to work out. i want to be good enough. i want my exhausting practice to pay off right away. not in several other auditions later, but now. this week. tomorrow.
so if it doesn't, which is a possibility I have to realize, I have to be okay and learn from the process. More importantly I have to remember to relax and have fun while I am there and live in the joy of playing my awesome DRUMS! instead of fearing an aftermath before I give myself the chance to succeed.
so here's to being on the fence between
A) it's a fun experience who cares what happens!
and
B) i want this to work out. here is my sweat and tears. let's be a band.
