As my last days in NY are winding down, I am frequently asked if I am excited for my pending move to California. To this I always find myself taking a pause, smiling and aiming for a reply I think people want to hear.
The truth is I am mixed with so many feelings about this move. In the winter I was jumping out of my skin to get out of here and didn't think once about the reality of leaving one of the most amazing places on the map. But this past month I have had a lot of 'last times' going places or seeing people where I had to force myself to not shed a tear. Last drive up the Saw Mill Parkway to my last drumming lesson. Last goodbye to friends from Brooklyn and other places we have lived. Last Sunday at church where my son went to his first nursery class and made his first friends. Last trip to the Manhattan temple. What will it feel like to close the red front door to our home that last time?
The anxiety of flying is setting in, making me physically ill if I think too long about it. Keeping a toddler on my lap the entire time is sure to take that edge off! The timing in which we need to have all boxes packed in addition to the art of suitcase packing and preparing just right to be in an empty house with a toddler for a week prior to boxes and husband arriving. Albeit, navigating through a new city doesn't frighten me as much as it should.
I know on a scale, these things are so small and temporary in comparison to the grand fact that we are going to live in California, a place I never (much like NY) bothered to dream of living in. I recognize the weather will be amazing, the people will be different and more laid back, and we are going to be living in larger space. It will be an adventure with new places to see, more outdoor opportunity for play and less snow. This excites me greatly, but for some reason my brain has the excitement button on hold. I think it will be available once the plane lands and several steps of uncertainty are past me. And mostly the painful goodbyes and letting go of all the things and people I hoped to see that one last time will be gone. Then the last period of the NY chapter will be typed.
It is so strange how this place I bitterly hated in 1999 has become my home, this place where we started our family. Where we experienced ups and downs and all-arounds and became better people than we were when we boarded that plane 7 years ago. I couldn't understand what people loved about NY until I started to know people that live here. Until I saw the culture in each neighborhood I was exposed to. Until I survived 9/11 with New Yorkers (and other transplants) at my side.
I never thought saying goodbye to a whole state could be a process that would involve melancholy feelings.
I feel like I am on the edge of a plane ready to sky-dive, but I know I have forgotten a bunch of stuff and the backpack has to be checked a couple more times.
