5.11.2009

i never really liked short stories

I'm at that point in pregnancy when the doctor visits are weekly. For your entire pregnancy you begin the visit with a trip to the restroom where you leave a deposit of urine on the counter for them in a sterile clear cup with lid. It always reminds me of drug testing for a new job and I get really nervous when another patient's specimen is sitting on the counter when I enter the bathroom. I write my name EXTRA careful and large on the label and place it as far apart from the other as I can. You know, since there is a rash of pregnant druggies out there switching up samples.

Once I entered the restroom and the prior patient's sample was shockingly dark. I couldn't stop worrying about this other mother. Why was her pee so dark? Maybe she needs to drink more water? But it wasn't just really yellow, it was like brown. Brown pee! This concerned me. It was the kind of brown you would find in a beer. But not a pale ale. More like a dark Irish beer, say perhaps Guinness. She had Guinness pee. I had to restrain myself from entering the waiting room to find her and make sure she knew this wasn't normal.

I wanted to sheepishly peek my head out, make my announcement: Excuse me everyone can I have your attention. Someone left a cup of suuuuper dark pee in there. I just need to let you know it's not normal and I'm worried about you so please look into the matter. I hope everything is okay with you and your bladder and body. Thank you! And then I would sneak back into the restroom to finish my own business.

Only! There was another week something happened that has never happened in the 8+ months I have been leaving pee in a cup. Something I never considered would happen. I got stage fright. Not a single drop. Nothing. How could this be?! I twisted around trying to shake my belly and bend over my bladder to get something, anything into this friggin cup. To no avail.

So I waited. And tried to think of waterfalls. Flushed the toilet 12 times. Ran the water in the sink. Twisted around again. Did a little jumping in circles dance to shake it down. Nothing. Then people start trying to come into the bathroom. The handle must have been jiggled about a dozen times. Other pregnant women wanting to leave their samples. Maybe a nurse wanting to collect. I even heard a mother with a young boy- I could just imagine him freshly potty trained eager to use the potty while I sat with my empty cup. Good thing there wasn't any pressure added to the situation. Such as the line forming in the hallway waiting for me while I failed to perform. I think 20 minutes passed before I finally gave up and faced the music. Sorry nurse, the well is dry today. What happens now? Do they send me home? Put an F on my chart? It was like that feeling when you didn't study for a test. Why oh why wasn't there another sample I could 'borrow' from this week?! I might have even considered sharing the tragically dark pee.
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