truth or dare

Years ago I attended a party where there was a white elephant gift exchange. I didn't hear about that detail of the party, so I didn't get to participate. It was hilarious to watch the collection of crap circling around the group. Pretty much everyone fought their guts out for the unopened can of almonds. My favorite item was the ironing board cover that was a doll in a gingham dress, complete with yarn hair and an actual fabric doll head that bowed down when standing upright on the ironing board. On my way out at the end of the party I noticed this treasure was abandoned; left alone in a corner. I still regret not bringing it home with me.

This year on my husband's side of the family, a family with about the same number of siblings as a small country, we are having our first white elephant gift exchange. You have no idea how excited I am about this. I have been dreaming for years about a day like this to come. I am so thrilled I have the desire to bring 7 gifts for everyone because I have so many ideas! I could play this game 12 times in a row and never tire of it.

Here are some of my ideas I might (or might not) deliver on:

1) A gift basket containing 15 different varieties of beans. Each wrapped with a decorative bow and treated like a Cuban cigar in perfect order and presentation.

2) A nice picture frame with an odd photo inside of it. Mike's bum. An 8x10 of an elbow. Close-up of a bowl of yellow corn. A chin. Portrait of ME, with a tooth blacked out. Autographed, naturally.

3) Who could go wrong with a mild, unused sex toy?! I am not referring to special man rings or penis shaped suckers. I mean normal stuff like whips, edible body paint or underwear, tassels, ceiling-installed trapeze kit. That sort of thing. The usual.
In my head it works out like that scene in Dumb and Dumber when he farts fire and everyone laughs in their Christmas sweaters.

4) A dashboard hula girl with a grass skirt that really wiggles.

5) One of those hats with the two beer, I mean soda, holders that have built-in straws that go directly from the cans on your head into your mouth.

6) A hat with a built-in mullet. Preferably blonde, tangled.

7) A hula hoop.

8) Plastic ice cubes with scorpions inside.

9) A giant, pretty wrapped box filled with rolls of toilet paper.

10) A plunger.

11) A tacky Christmas sweater.

12) A box of toothpicks.

13) SpongeBob Band-Aids.

14) Useful to me: I have a variety of odd Christmas decorations/ snow globes former neighbors have given me that I would love to unload.

15) A deck of Old Maid.

16) A package of Christmas tree lights. The last thing anyone needs a few days before Christmas!

17) A large box filled with various balloon animals.

18) Zane's preschool gingerbread house. It's a beaut! And only 54 finger swipes from the frosting on the roof!

19) Manila folders fashioned into the shape of a Christmas tree.

20) A bag of circus peanuts.