12.05.2008

perplexed

I used to roll my eyes to myself when people would talk about the inability to gain weight. Who has a problem with that anyway? That doesn't seem like a logical problem to have. Here, let me lead you into the Liz Diet of Junk Food for a couple weeks and I will help you take care of all your woes.

So this last week I got to hear the baby's heartbeat and while I was still basking in the comfort of that sound, I was scolded for not gaining weight. Since when did I turn into one of those alien freak people with the 'inability to gain weight' label? I eat every meal, I have done nothing different. I ate an entire cherry pie by myself last week for crying out loud, I don't know why I am not gaining weight! I eat man portions, I order the Macho version of everything at Del Taco. I guess it's just that pesky food aversion list is getting longer by the hour for some reason. Who knew one would have a time in their life that a burger or fries could not be consumed if death was on the line.

When I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn’t buy Brandy!

And you: friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed in Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenland!

So I heard the most remarkable words of support a husband could possibly breathe into his wife's ear during a time of womb growth: skip the gym today and go to the grocery store and buy everything that looks good to you.


Best idea e v e r! I took his advice. This is what it looked like:

Avocados
Green Peppers
Cran-Apple juice
7 variations of The Frozen Dinner
minus the salisbury steak variety
hot pockets
ice cream sandwiches
snickers
flat bread
baby swiss
oh the baby swiss
you have no idea
tomatoes off the vine
Doritos
Apple juice
Orange Juice
string cheese
cherry (ONLY CHERRY) yogurt
Chex
Triscuits- 2 boxes
peanut m&ms
pretzels
bacon

I am turning to snacks more often between meals hoping this will make the difference. If I don't gain weight in the next couple of weeks I will have them check a little more closely for tape worms in my uterus. Or maybe there is a hole in my back and all the food is leaking out and I just didn't know it? Maybe there is a gremlin that lives under my bed and at night when I sleep it climbs into my esophagus and sucks all the food back up before it gets digested?
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