There is a lot to motherhood no one tells you about. Things that are avoided in conversation at play groups. Many, many things you figure out after going through various experiences and surviving them to find yourself still alive. Those things are what bad days are made up of.
Bad days have a way of taking form at the times you least expect it, when things seem to be going well. When you are smiling and organized and have a plan. When you have things to do, people to see, positive feelings shooting in all directions. Dinner planned and the carpet vacuumed. Then it can take a turn and go downhill faster than the biggest black diamond slope.
Not many people reading this will really understand what I am talking about. The art of losing it or trying not to lose it on a bad day is really a lonesome feeling I imagine not too many mothers I know struggle with. It’s the ugliest part of being a human and the worst demon to battle. It’s the darkest feeling you will ever feel and it’s such a black hole to climb out of. And no one else can really help you out of it. And there is no perfecting the trek out, sometimes it’s slippery and other times it’s only got cracks and crevices to assist in the escape.
It’s the times a 14 hour work day in the office was a piece of cake compared to today. I am envious of the road worker digging trenches. I plead with the plumber to trade me places for the rest of today. It’s the day those mothers in Bronxville with nannies have the right idea.
It’s those times that I instantly get the image of Thelma and Louise in the convertible with the wind in their hair and the great lip-stick smiling faces and you really think that would be such a great place to be right now, this instant. And if there was a button to push that would take you there you would not hesitate. And you might not even regret it for at least 30 miles into the drive.
So today I will try a new escape route. I will arrange my CDs in a new way and listen to music, just like John Cusak did in High Fidelity. I can see the sunlight again and I have roughly 30 minutes before the nap time is over and my transformation back into a good day needs to happen.
Oddly enough, just writing this has brought be a little further away from pushing that button.
