2.09.2008

is this going to be the end?

One of the first blogs that hooked me was Que Sera Sera by Sara Brown. I recall a while back her writing about how the more people she personally knew that found her blog, the harder it was to write freely. I thought it was odd and didn't understand. Until recently.

I used to feel posting in this space was a bit for the purpose of keeping up with a wave, trying to achieve frequent posting targets. I have long realized it's more for my enjoyment of writing about my thoughts and find it a bit like a fix of chocolate, or the way my husband runs to keep from getting cranky. Writing is an enjoyable outlet for me to spew my thoughts or findings. A bit like a great phone call with a long-time friend.

Lately those 'phone calls' are most needed and convenient at about 11pm. It's a nice time of the evening for me to take a quiet breath, relax, and release some thoughts or feelings. Really? Voting's all I've got so far? This week sleep became the 11pm priority (sick kids).

Although, the few times this week I sat down and started a few different entries that just didn't get finished. And that bothers me. For several reasons.

One is that I have not made time for myself to enjoy one of the few creative outlets that is easiest for me to spend time doing. Working on that.

Another is that the more people I partially know or somewhat know read my words, the more I feel a bit choked in getting words punched into the keyboard for some reason. Maybe it's a part of me strangely caring more what people think than I should. I want to write like no one is reading, but I am having a hard time. I don't want to offend anyone by having someone read too much into my thoughts or strike a sensitive chord with a new friend. I don't want people to think differently of me for the words I write.

I guess when part of my readership begins to be within the same state and see me on occasion I feel like I am more accountable for what I am writing. I start to think oh crap! I see you at church every week. Did you read the archives? The one about boobs or sex toys? Am I a different person than you thought I was for the curtain being pulled and my true thoughts being exposed?'

It's a strange, this worry about words on a screen being a deciding factor if I am likeable or not. And to suddenly care more about it. So I want to shed the worry of it and get a grip so I can keep writing when I have time for it. To take out the filter and let me be me. And if it's lame or inappropriate or gossip-worthy or offensive, well, then, it is what it is. It's more important for me to keep a journal of who I am and what I think than to worry about what someone else might or might not think about me. And odds are, no one thinks much of anything. Isn't that the joy of a girl brain? To worry about things that don't need so much worry, after all!

My purpose is not to cause unwelcome feelings. My purpose is to tell myself to keep going. To let you know me for me, even if it's not what you would expect, prefer, agree with, or even like. I know I love it best when I find people I know (or don't know so well) through a mutual friend and peek inside their blog ramblings. I have found some local blog connections of people I see each week and get to know them better and see their talents. No one else seems to write about their boobs, though?
There was an error in this gadget