wow, thanks for all the congratulations and empathy on baby hugeness.
i have had so many things to think about and write about, but obviously not the energy or awareness much. although since writing is an enjoyable outlet, I am making time for it now.
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there are so many little moments that i loved about my experience bringing little evan into the world, but one that keeps coming to my mind goes a little something like this.
after he was born and all cleaned up, the nurses helped us transition out of the awesome delivery room and down the hall into the recovery section. which i lovingly refer to as a closet from the set of Welcome Back Cotter. The thought of it made me smile more than actually caring about my surroundings at that point, I was honestly so glowing in the joy of being over the hard part and the fact that me and baby were both safe I think they could have dumped me out on the street and I would have been just as happy.
anyway- back to the hallway transition. Mike was pushing the baby bed with evan in it while i was getting wheeled behind in a wheelchair. the nurse parked me next to a counter and told me to push a button. i though it would be opening the door. but it didn't, a little lullaby twinkled in the air throughout the entire hospital. that was evan's own little lullaby, each baby gets one played after they are born to announce another delivery to everyone in the hospital. it was like the soft lullaby you hear in a jewelry box, i wish i had that little moment in my pocket to play over and over.
as we got settled in our new room throughout the early morning and night i heard the faintest sound of more lullabies being played on the other side of my door. i would hear them just as i was feeling some tummy shrinkage pains or weariness and it always snapped me back into a better mindset. It was like heaven reminding me another spirit son or daughter has graced the earth and crossed the veil, welcome this child here. It was an instant reminder of the anxiety I had about delivering and the safety and health of my baby and how that fear was all gone. For me and my baby anyway.
then i started to think of the mommies that don't get to push that button. the ones that have babies that go to heaven instead of being born or after their birth. I have read about such babies on various blogs over the past 9 months (or watched stories on t.v.). i have dropped a lot of tears with every word related to such circumstances. Of course for fear of that being my experience, but more for the unbelievable pain in my heart I have for each of those mommies.
so for those mommies without their babies, i know there is a different kind of announcement when they leave the womb. it's not the jewelry box lullaby. it's trumpets sounded by angels and it's more magnificent and special than our human ears could possibly handle. those babies have very important work that He needs them for right away.
i am not glorifying the loss of a child, it's something I believe must be one of the more challenging experiences humans face on this earth that may only make sense when we are on the other side to see things for ourselves from His perspective.
i know any of those mothers would give anything they could to be up all night nursing and burping and changing diapers.
and that thought gives me strength to try to be a better mommy, to try harder to handle well this amazing gift that doesn't always feel amazing EVEN THOUGH IT SHOULD. So here's just a big chunk of gratitude, for my body that is healing properly and a baby who is healthy. and that i am able to care for him. and a big prayer for those mommies hurting and trying to understand and listen for those trumpets playing for their babies.
