6.26.2009

conspiracy theory


I have a bone to pick with The Wipes Industry. I'm pretty certain we are being had. Played for fools.
You see, I distinctly recall using them for the first time 5 years ago with my first child. I would open the lid, pull out a wipe, and receive one. Another would be waiting in the wings, happily, like a proper tissue poking its head out of the box just so. Waiting for the next use whenever I needed it.
Now? NOW wipes are all crazy connected. You pull one and get 25 of them interlocked and stuck together. My friends, this is no accident. I know exactly how this has come to be.

You see, I envision The People within The Wipes Company sitting in a conference room. Many with grown children no longer needing a wipe. There are profit and loss statements scattered about the room, charts on the wall indicating a fall in sales, pressure to find a way to make the numbers look better. Members of the Advertising and Marketing teams are present. They rack their brains to figure out how to make people have more babies. Or how they can steal market share in The Wipes Category. They complain about how low the prices are with independent label. They study proto types of new wipe containers to get an edge above the heavy competitors. They review market research data.
Then someone realizes there is no advertising campaign sexy enough to entice people have more babies. BUT! He realizes there is a way to manipulate the product to cause people to use more of it. This will cause the consumer to buy it more often. By simply making LOTS of wipes come out instead of just one. Genius.
Because when you have a 30 pound kid in your one hand by the feet and a load of smeared diariah clinging to his rear, there's no way you are going to set him down to use both hands to get one wipe at a time. You are going to take what comes out and deal with it. Which is essentially 34% of the package. Even with a 2 wipe job, you are managing the number of wipes that comes out waaaay more than you need to; working to shove some back in while you get sprayed in the face by a rogue stream.
It's actually a brilliant business plan. But completely SUCKS for the consumer. When I change my kid's diaper I'm not thrilled with the friggin magic trick of 625 scarves that come out of the hat. I want one wipe at a time. What happened to one wipe at a time?
Could be a far fetched conspiracy theory. But you better believe the next time you change a diaper, you'll be with me on this one.
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