11.06.2013

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Dear Dad,

I think about you every day. Sometimes it makes me smile to think of something funny you said. When I called you at the hospital you had no idea who was calling your room, but you still answered the phone, "Tony's Pizzeria!" I laughed so hard I almost forgot you had terminal cancer.

I love speaking to your mother. She has a cheerfulness about her that even the sadness and loneliness your death left behind cannot destroy. Sylvia has this gift as well. She misses you dearly. She said you were the energy of the house and enjoyed your daily talks with her. Do you hear her when she tells me these things?

Sometimes it makes me sad to think of you. Your breath was so labored and your mind began to operate differently. I wonder where you are now. I wish I could see where you are. I wish I knew more definitively what's next once we leave earth. Mike eases my concern for you when he reminds me you are no longer in pain- I believe that for sure.

There is a veil of knowledge and understanding between us now that would probably be too complex for the living to comprehend. It would also not allow us the agency to decide and learn the way we ought to. Your death has caused me to reflect on this often and remember how little the material things of life matter. And how silly all of us must look spending our time and money and dumb things.

I review what I believe about death and the next life constantly in my mind and try to visualize it, but pictures come up empty. While my faith is present, my understanding could be sharpened. I suppose this should inspire me to dig around in my scriptures more.

Some say angels are on earth with us, are you one of them? If so, when are you near? Is it only when I think of you? Is it when I forget you? Is it when I talk about you to another?  Are you with your dad? I wonder what it was like for you to be near him again. Will you be the first one I see when I go?

If you are here and can see us, do you see the good moments and bad? Do you see when I cry? When someone is cruel to me? Did you see that magical that little 5 year old moment of childhood when my dear boy saw his carved pumpkin light up in the dark? It was a moment that gave me the biggest smile of the day, were you there? I was wishing then you could see it with me.

I miss you being there. I wish I had not taken it for granted.
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