I've been visiting a dentist quite regularly most of my life. I would guess at least twice a year, which makes it about 72 times.  I will be the first to admit I am not a dental hygienist. However, I am pretty familiar with the procedures that typically occur (and in which order) when getting my teeth cleaned.

This week I went to our local dentist late in the afternoon. She had another 'dentist' filling in for her. Also an assistant I never saw before. I would put money on it that they were either robbing the joint and trying to cover as workers or the doctor asked her neighbors last minute to fill in for her that day.

These two random ladies had no idea what they were doing.

The suction tube kept falling apart and was about 4 sized too big for my mouth.

Um, I think this is the Dyson vacuum cleaner tube, why don't you try for this little one by the tray of mini stabber tools?

That lady was all thumbs and would have been better off loading the get-a-way vehicle with machines and office furniture. It's not often I am embarrassed for other people, but for her I was blushing. Hey, I get it we all have out weaknesses, but sucking water from a widely opened mouth with a straw that's 4 inches thick? It's not putting a camel through the eye of a needle, my friend.

The "dentist" did the same type of internal tooth exam my daughter does (she's 4 btw) when she plays doctor and wants to see if my throat is red. Next came the gritty fluoride without water, mind you. Because who doesn't love frothy sand collecting in your mouth the taste of fruit punch and rock salt? I was dry heaving and gargling somehow at the same time. I started pointing to the water tube and sat up to take control of the situation my DAMN self when the useless suction tube lady clumsily dropped the tool.

Finally I was flossed. Last step in the process: floss. Now call me crazy, but the 71 other times I have been to the dentist never have I gurgled grit nor had it flossed between my teeth at the end of the cleaning. For a moment I wondered if I had just wandered into a dental school where they practice on you the way they do for hair stylist schools. Maybe I would only be charged a nominal fee because (chances are high) it was done wrong.

The good news is I felt less horrible about my dragon breath from my Indian food lunch. Come to think of it, maybe that threw them both off and caused distraction......