there were pieces of gold in his mouth when they met

I went to the dentist last week. It's normally a place I enjoy visiting because I get rave reviews about how great my teeth look with no cavities! Not this time. Apparently, my daughter sucked all the calcium out of my body while she was growing in my tummy. I guess that's what they mean when they say she steals all the mom's beauty (plus health of her teeth).

Several cavities. One broken molar. I swear it has nothing to do with all that gravel I chew on. And one cavity so huge it might need a root canal. Uh. Isn't that what they do in hell? Root canals every hour? I needed no dental work all this time and now my report is 'looks like the mouth of a teenager that doesn't take care of his teeth'.

So there's that. The needles were in my mouth, the sawing of my face in half. And the process essentially felt like he was drilling my molar into my shoulder. I kept peeking to the side to make sure he hadn't gone clean through my jaw, out my face, and into my body.

So the broken tooth has a plastic part on it like a normal shaped tooth until the cap is made. I guess it takes 2 weeks. And they will call me when it comes in the mail. Dude. My tooth is getting mailed. Something that will be peramanently fixed into my mouth is traveling in the mail right now. That's CRAZY. And. AND. I have a plastic tooth, currently. PLASTIC. I like to grind it and pretend the top teeth bounce off of it. I want to stop strangers I pass and tell them I have a PLASTIC tooth. Really, I do. Do you have one? You want to touch it, don't you?

I'm going to miss my plastic tooth. I wonder if they will let me keep it. I can put it on a necklace or something. Paint it gold. Have it embedded into a glass knob and turn it into a fixture in our home. The front door handle. Or I can post it on Craig's list.

Truly the best part was the check-in process. I entered all this new patient info on an electronic clip board. Super cool technology and all. Normal stuff about allergies and insurance information. Until the last question.

"Do you plan to have your teeth the rest of your life?"

Um. I was so confused. Was this a trick question?

No, actually, I was hoping you could yank them all and put in some wooden ones today. Can I get some in wood? Maple, to be exact? I brought a tree from my front yard I was hoping you could use.

Who doesn't want their own teeth? When I go back I am going to drill him this time and find out.