I made it known to everyone that I liked him. I would stare at him all during class and wait for his attention. Somehow I was born with a great deal of self-confidence. Probably about 60% more than I should have, but I know no other way to go about my life than to pretend I am awesome. Sometimes it has led to situations that are not ideal, like in this post, but it has also served me very well in job interviews. So, I just go with it as much as possible. It never once occurred to me that this boy, Arnold, would not like me back. The chance mistakenly never entered my mind. When he didn't write notes back, I assumed he was awe struck by me and speechless. Or maybe he had horrible handwriting? When I finagled his phone number from a friend and called him, it never occurred to me he was choosing to not call me back. I just figured he wasn't allowed to use the phone. Or maybe he never got my daily messages?
One day we all arrived to our 3rd grade class to find the desks were moved. We all entered the room eagerly to see where our newly assigned seats were, but were instructed to gather around the snack table first. The teacher brought muffins to class so we could be more comfortable with the change. No one really ate the muffins for some reason, but I thought they tasted good and had several. I also finished 3 of my friends'. After the snack, we went to find our desks. They were connected in a way to make a giant U shape so we could all face the teacher in the front of the room. GUESS who sat directly across from me?
I did everything I could all day, everyday to get this boy's attention. How my teacher never pulled me aside to teach me a little about grace is beyond me. One day I came up with a clever idea to make absolutely certain he was aware of my affection. I figured it would at least get me a phone call. While the teacher was blathering on about something and all the other children were taking notes and watching her, I was secretly writing on the bottom of my pink high-top Pro-Wing shoes with permanent marker. As soon as it was time to take out our books, I leaned back in my chair and kicked my feet up on my desk like a boss. On the bottom of one shoe in large print read: I LOVE and on the other shoe read:
I kept my feet up on the desk until he noticed. He immediately blushed and a huge smile flashed across his face. My tummy swarmed with happy wiggles. Though he tried to hold it in, his laughter at the sheer unexpectedness of my display got him chuckling. I knew I had won him over. Big time. No other girl could have thoughts of such a brave thing. For sure he wants to marry me, I thought.
Well, his giggling led to my nervous giggling. My friends were amazed I would do such a thing. And then a curious thing happened that would redden even the most outgoing of spirits. While balancing my bum on the fiberglass seat of my orange chair, a loud fart reverberated off the seat and shot into the air.
It was so loud and high-pitched, there was no hiding it. Nor the source. I quickly pulled my legs off the desk (mostly to avoid more farts- I would have left my feet up there all day to amuse my dear
The boy never called me. I continued to crush on him the following year, but lost interest in him shortly after.
We crossed paths in a college course and he told me I looked like Liv Tyler! How awesome of a compliment was that? She is WAY hotter than Winnie any day!
To his day, I haven't since touched a bran muffin.