7.06.2007

you can't squeeze blood out of a turnip

My first real job, one that actually provided a wage that would allow me to live on my own, was as a collector for overdue credit cards. No matter how bad of a day I had, when I strolled into work a lot of people had it a lot worse. Tens of thousands of dollars of debt worse. It wiped away my worries of getting a low test grade immediately.

I became pretty good at this job, I found the secret was to be sweet as honey. Getting them on the phone- that was the trickiest part of the job. I had to pretend I was a friend calling, casually act is if we knew each other.

I had a headset connected to a computer screen and accounts would pop up at the exact moment the call would automatically ring the cardholder. Sometimes there was a lag and I would have a person on the phone and no information for a couple seconds. That's when I just began small talk.

Hi! How are you doin'? What's up?

Then I finally get the information on the screen while they tried to respond and place my voice.

Oh, this IS Jake, isn't it?

*

I learned to read fast and hopefully pronounce the names correctly or the call would be over. The real Oz would be revealed. Nguyen was one I never got right, e v e r. Sort of like getting off the chair lift with my snowboard attached. I just didn't even bother to try, jumped onto my knees and crawled out of the away. I hoped the next person who called Nguyen would be able to say it properly.

Then there was another classic that drove me NUTS! A name I got wrong only due to the split-second pressure of reading without thinking.

Hi, is this Jesus?

I knew as soon as it rolled out of my mouth the call was done because I didn't pronounce it with the proper "hey-zues ". I had to put it on mute or hang up because I could never compose myself fast enough, it just sent me into fits of embarrassment giggles. Those calls never ended with a payment arrangement.