inspiration for some of the blanks spaces

Pier 1, Crate and Barrel, Ikea

gender. three.

She's at that phase where her hands are always fists. And she kicks her legs nonstop like she is trying to start a fire with her heels.

Gender.

I have some friends that have told me the gender thing among their children isn't that different. I have had others notice a huge difference. So far it's hard to tell much because, well, she can't walk into a room and choose her own toy among trucks and dolls. And she can't really tell me if she prefers a dress or pants. But I have noticed the difference in us as parents and the 'feeling' and thoughts of having a girl after two boys.

The piles of generous gifts lined my kitchen for several weeks. Almost entirely comprised of various shades of pink. I didn't know this was a color that could spawn 409 variations. A little bit or purple, some teal, a splash of yellow and a dash of white. Mostly pinks. And each pink shade would clash with the next. There was no universal 'pink' among any of the selected clothing designers. This was interesting to me. And which shade did I like best?!

I collected all blankets first. I stared at this basket of various colors and patterns and felt immediately frozen. Such delicate items: I wanted to keep them pure and clean and properly colorful. A feeling I have never had about clothing. I didn't know how to wash all the brights and softs without ruining them! I was so used to throwing in blues and browns and whites and greys. She wasn't even born yet and our world, our home, was being filled with this brightness and newness of vibrant color. A friend suggested I put the pales, yellows and whites together and then the purples and 'other' pinks in another load. I still ended up turning a white blanket pink.

So we brought her home and immediately felt like we planted a row of fresh, white tulips in our home. I became aware of all that she meant when she sang "I'm just a girl in the world and that's all that you'll let me be". As a parent of a little girl you hate every shady, dirty, naughty man in the world a whole lot more and you can't think of a better way to shield her from that than to hold her snug to your chest forever. Wrapped in a blanket. With a bonnet on. And a veil over her face.

When you bring a baby boy home you think of how rough and tumble he will become and how he will be a man one day. So your job is to teach him and make sure he's able to face the world and survive it and protect and care for a family. A girl needs the same, but girls seem to be more of a target for nasty and rotton things and don't even know it until so much later in life. So naturally, she arrives and you feel as though your goal is to protect her from this. Keep her from it all, this world of icky stuff; perversion. So it's like the feeling of raising a soldier and growing a flower. Which somehow seems so wrong. But why does it feel this way so naturally?

Three.

The feeling of having three isn't as overwhelming as I thought it would be. I don't remember crying a lot like I did with my other two babies. Maybe because I am too busy to stop and think about it, to wrapped up in the 'doing'. There are moments that seem like a bit much, but never entire days. And those moments are mostly when I leave the house on my own with them. Which, btw, is getting a little less stressful the more I practice.

The thing about three is I am not stressed about how to do this like I was with my first. And I am not so overly concerned with the other children being jealous as I was with my second. I am the least stressed out overall this time around. This has allowed me to really soak her in and hold her more and watch her more and take my time with her care-taking. Every chance I have to make her smile and wait for her coo I take it and relish it. The dishes wait longer with less guilt. I think guilt was heaviest with my second, that sinking feeling of cheating on your first is gone. It's the only birth that truly left me wondering what life used to be like before we got this baby!

I have to add that she came to me with an unbelievably calm temperment. So peaceful and easy.

Since day two she has been sleeping through the night (or getting up once at most). I write this because it's this (oddly sounding) strong confirmation that The Lord knows my life well and what I needed. Maybe it's a fluke, but I honestly don't think so. I had great concern for my ability to be everything these children need of me as I have a demanding schedule on my own each week. I wasn't quite sure I would be able to tend to them fairly without sleep. I learned to remember the feeling I had when I knew it was time to try for our third that it would be fine. A super clear comfort that it was her time to come to our family and we would be fine. And it is. It's going so much better than it logically seems it should. And I know spiritually it's not by chance.

That isn't to say there are not moments when I really want to switch places with Mike. Moments when the idea of sitting on a plane for several hours being served drinks and reading magazines without interruption would be heavenly. But all in all I am rather lucky to have my life and I hope to remember that more often.

-

All I know about today:

1) we will make chocolate chip cookies

2) I will play squirt guns in the back yard with the boys

3) I will make my baby girl smile and coo some more

4) I will be on time to Zane's swimming class today

I think that will make it a pretty full and fulfilling day.

:-)

I've been thinking a lot about parenthood lately. How it evolves into something different the longer we're at it. As we get each package of perks and trials that come with each new-to-us-to-parent age we are teaching. How it all starts out with cute baby clothes and racking the brain at how to decorate the room with the first. And then 5 years later the things I care about/ worry about are so much more heavy and important. And this is only age 5. I am frightened to know the gray that will be in my hair when we approach the experience of parenting a teenager.

I had a really hard day with my oldest and ran into a friend who had no idea the frustration in my gut that moment. The friend asked about my son and what he is currently "into". I couldn't match the smile the other person had, I was gritting my teeth and the only honest reply I could think of was that my son was "into" driving me crazy. That moment I truly felt that was his only purpose. That he woke up and blitzed out all the ways he would disobey and make me angry. Like I said, it was up there with one of the harder days yet.

I spent the week coming up blank as I thought more and more about what he likes. His birthday was approaching and I was feeling like such a loser mom. And also concerned about this little boy of mine who didn't seem to be smiling very much; just getting into trouble. I was worried about how he was feeling as well. I called Mike and asked for his help reminding me what our little boy liked. He had loads of answers. Which made me smile and glad to remember how well he knows our son. We hung up and I felt worse. I spend every day with this child and I am coming up blank?

I found what Mike told me on the phone true- that he does like transformers, spiderman, star wars, etc. I also realized the times he smiles the biggest haven't been around. The things that make him laugh have been on hold. The Silly Mom was extinguished and that was what Zane is into (essentially laughing, not necessarily me). Those are my favorite memories and possibly his, too. Making silly faces at each other, guessing each others' movie quotes, playing chase or Lightsabers, being his tickle monster, etc. Our transition to three had left me, initially, a little empty of the extra he seems to need. That goofy part of me that normally comes the most natural of all. The part of me that returns after survival mode has passed. And finds his happy list is endless; not blank.

He has some tough behaviors I can't change even on the best of mommy days, but there are certainly fewer tough days with him when we laugh together more often.

And with parenthood, although the worry grows larger with time, so does the greater availability to share with our children the things we really enjoy. Be it video games, walking on the beach, music, a certain food, fishing, exploring a new place, being outside, cross stitching, reading, singing, whatever we love doing it's so much more fun to bring our kids along to enjoy that love and expose them to it. We're a much healthier family unit that way.

This week we're going to spend time hanging out with my drums again. There's not a better way to spend time with someone than to share with them something you love, but also sharing time with that person doing with them what they love, too. I know that will mean going to the park for Zane, he's also "into" the park. I love that kid. I'm glad his Fun Mommy is finding herself again. I've missed her, too.

ps. I love how this picture make it look like I am on stilts with a massive cloak on.

The Fam

Thank you-Anna and Kristy- for making bows for Sylvia. The whole family is finding them useful and cute.

The Sabbath

This is Sunday: the day of "rest". Rest from what exactly? I'm not really sure.

Dude. I seriously cannot stand cleaning up scrambled eggs. I know I've said it before, but it bears repeating. THEY JUST KEEP SCRAMBLING! I would rather clean 500 haircuts off my kitchen floor than one bowl of scrambled eggs.

Or here's an idea- how about the little people I 'rest' around all day EAT THE FRIGGIN FOOD I GIVE THEM and not throw it on the floor. You know, that hole in the face below the nose, the food goes in there. Then you mash it with those sharp things inside the hole and then (gasp!) swallow it. Let's try that just once today. Imagine the waitress at the Ethiopian restaurant, she would be appalled at the wasted food I scrape off my fl0or each day.

Hey here's another idea. Let's not pretend to have to go pee when one of us kids in the family gets sent to time out or is asked to do something. What if I did that every time I didn't want to do something I was supposed to do?

Oh you're hungry for dinner? Oh dang, I have to pee! And it's coming out fast! And then I would race to the bathroom, lock the door and stack rolls of toilet paper for 30 minutes. Then empty the toothpaste and smear it all over the counter. Then when someone came knocking on the door demanding food I would moan 'but I have to go pooooooooooo' and then giggle to myself while I would really be making a dress out of the shower curtain while pressing the plunger into the wall.

Oh to be a kid again. To do whatever the heck you want and watch the adults supress their anger and use their meaningless words.

kicks

her first vans.

thanks alysha they totally rock. and ironically match my own newest pair.

yes

Who knew how awesome my etnies would look below my apron?! Simply delicious. I don't know what it is about these enormous shoes that makes me so happy. There's just no better way to start the day then to slip into these browns first thing, even before brushing my teeth.

It made Evan so happy to see me in them bright and early that he gathered his church socks and shoes leftover from yesterday. Almost just as cute is him in his formal attire below his jammies.

skirt obsession

jcrew.

This one is $20 x 4.

flirty

Ann Taylor Loft has these awesome skirts on sale for $20 in various colors.