places that

Make me rather uncomfortable:
Michael's Craft Store
Library
Cafeteria
Kinko's
Hospital
Church Book Store
Candle Store
The Mall
overly clean homes
shady parts of Concord, CA
Japanese Restaurants
Circus
The Ocean
Baby Gap
American Apparel
J.Crew
Buffets
Boat
Airplane
Museum

I like to visit:
Home Depot
Skate Shop
Nursery (the kind for plants, not kids)
Movie Theater
Candy Aisle
Staple's
Office Building
The Temple
Any Party Store
Bed, Bath and Beyond
Ikea
Santa Cruz
Most Restaurants; Besides Japanese
Grocery Stores
Restoration Hardware
H&M
Banana Republic
Target
Any Park
Manhattan
Mountains
San Francisco
the shower
record store
magazine rack
rock venues

pull

Dear Mike,

Remember when I got home from blowing my self-imposed grocery budget last week? When I showed you the sliced gouda and sliced salami I bought just for you. So you could have a fancy little snack. A gluten-free specialty? You smiled and thanked me for being so thoughtful. We might have even hugged and smooched.

Well. It tastes really good, this stuff. I sort of just ate the last slice of each on a really good sandwich. I know you only had a couple of slices total, but hear me out! You see, I figured with us going on a trip and all there might not be time for you to enjoy it. And I bet it's better fresh, so I can get you some new slices when we get back and you will like that better. So really I am just trying not to waste food [said shyly--> foot sweeping the ground].

Sorry I ate the one thoughtful thing I did for you this week. Who knew gouda would have the same pull on my will power as chocolate?

If I had Tivo

Jackass
Nanny 911
Wife Swap
Trading Spouses
Super Nanny
Unwrapped (food channel show on candy)
This Old House
Sweet 16
Real World
Grey's Anatomy
Gilmore Girls
Golden Girls
Three's Company
Misc. movies on Lifetime (for the nights Mike travels)
The Apprentice
Oprah
America's Next Top Model
BYU Channel
just kidding
The Office
Dr. 90210
The Fresh Prince of Bel Air
Curious George (for Zane)
Sex and the City
Colbert Report (for Mike)
alright- I secretly think it can be funny. it would be for me.
Malcom in the Middle
*
Shows I want to purchase
Seinfeld
The Young Ones
I Love Lucy
The Office (UK)
Bosom Buddies

summer

favorite summer shot

favorite summer shirt

brilliant

I love you, Del Monte. He shoveled in corn for the first time in his 2 year old life faster than he does his favorite fries. Faster than I ate my Goobers during the Grey's premier tonight. Very, very impressive idea. It completely worked.

I love it when marketing creates positive, healthy interest.

As for this new flavor of Doritos, Blazin' Buffalo Ranch, not so healthy. Yet, an official addition to the junk food Hall of Approval.

tiny. love. stories.

Last night flipping channels I ran across a little segment (movie?) of Ten Tiny Love Stories. I couldn't change the channel. It was like my college perfomance art class- just one woman (actress) at a time speaking to the camera for about 15 minutes in the comfort of 'her' home. Each took me on a brief and poignant journey of heart break or confession that allowed me to feel little bursts of energy, good and bad. Voice accents and body language added incredible depth to the monologues. Each would end abruptly and I wanted to know more. Until the next story began the trance all over again.

I loved the ironic details out of nowhere. "And then there were the artichoke hearts". So I waited patiently to hear what would evolve around that bizarre comment. It made me want to create my own little short stories about my past tiny love stories.

They never get told, really, do they? Our past love stories- the funny, the sad, the happy, the pleasant. They just get tucked away into a memory rolodex until a song or image triggers them to surface only to be pushed away.

What a great anonymous blog that would be- tiny love stories people could send away. To get them out of the rolodex for us to read and enjoy. To hear about your artichokes would be so fun.

gush

The essence of being part of a family is something I am gushing with pleasure in today. Of having the role that is being a wife and mother. The ability to fully participate in all related responsibilities with a higher degree of enjoyment. With health in my navel and marrow in my bones. I am beginning to realize what the prior sentence actually feels like.

I would be remiss if I didn't tell you I have a broken heart for the other people. Those other people who sat (or will sit) in the same chair I sat in. The ones that keep going in the process. For those that had (or will have) the path that is a fear and terror I could never begin to imagine. I cried hard for those people last night and hope that if I cross paths with any of them I can offer assistance in one way or another.

It's like we are all in the same room standing in line, given numbers. Some numbers are called into one plan and others into another. I don't know why I get the number that ends the process and others don't. I just wish I could stand next to each of them and hold their hands.

I really just wish no one would get that number at all.

breathing joy

I'm fine. No cancer. Completely FINE!!!!!!!

Fine has to be the most spectacular word in the world today.

when september ends

I sat in the chair alone with my gown on next to this crazy machine. Looking out the window through a crack in the closed blinds, I wondered about the other women who have sat in this chair. What did their journey lead to? I knew as I sat there- odds were that I would leave with no further steps in the process of testing for breast cancer. That I would get to go home and hug my baby, yet feel a little more compassion for the pink ribbons. Maybe even participate in a walk or race for the fight against cancer. I would at least think about it more than I did before this mammogram visit.

The technician comes back and needs a few more images scanned. I swallow the lump in my throat and clear away my grateful feelings and replace them with a little shred of concern. Just a tiny shred.

Then the Doctor wants to see me in another room for another exam. This was not what I was told would happen. This is not what was planned. Concern level is elevated to orange.

He begins speaking words I don’t comprehend, yet in a soft and non-concerning tone. The process isn’t done. I am not going home with a clear head. He tells me not to lose sleep over it, that it’s just some little calcifications on a regular cyst that are worth checking out at my youthful age. It is rare they are cancerous, but he has seen it happen before.

Two weeks go by before I have more details and a thorough conversation with another doctor. Who’s on first?! What’s on second?! I will spare writing the awful and agonizing feelings, tears shed (and held back) while thinking of potential plans to arrange for my son’s life in the event there is a day I will not be in it while he is still young.

I have two days to mentally prepare for a procedure I know very little about. Stereotactic Core Biopsy. I read horror stories online of people traumatized by this and emotionally scarred for days (from benign and cancer survivors alike).

*

Hooray for my visiting teacher! I have someone to watch Zane.
Not hooray for the new job, Mike is away on business.
Hooray for my drums! I get to play with the bassist from the band I auditioned for the night before the procedure. This is a much needed outlet.
Hooray for my Home Teacher/ Friend! I get a priesthood blessing.
Hooray for Aunt Sharon who spoke with me about her experience with the same process and offered comforting words I needed to hear.

*

The morning of the procedure I wanted to puke, but somehow felt overwhelmingly grateful for technology allowing a less invasive method (i.e. it’s not surgery!).
I had a sense of calm that whatever the plan is for my life, I don’t have a lot of control related to this type of health check. The only control I have is to be calm and trick my mind into getting through this procedure and taking care of my son. I force myself to box up all my scary thoughts and set them aside. Not to be opened unless Monday’s call has unwanted news.

As for the procedure, it did not hurt nearly as much as I expected. The initial ‘bee’ sting I read about was accurate, only it was like the bee took a nose-dive into the inside of my body and kept going. That was the only time I hurt enough to verbally express it with AHHHHH and I squeezed the hell out of the ball in my hand. That was the numbing agent.

When they were finished, I wanted to jump up on the table, bloody and topless, and blow into a trumpet:

DO DODODOOOOOOOOOOO! IT DIDN’T HURT THAT MUCH!!!

The aftermath is worse than the procedure. The hole where the incision was made is small, yet larger than I expected. It’s like I got shot with a bee-bee gun at close range, only it went completely through. The hour before I can take another dose of Tylenol isn’t so fun.

So I wait to hear about what’s next in my plan, this plan that exists for me. I have to trust that the One who created it knows what He’s doing. That could be a pretty tall test for me.

Or a completely awesome celebration of life.

stomach in knots.

more on this tomorrow.