stomach in knots.

more on this tomorrow.

punk rock girl

So there is this girl at the gym I want to be friends with. I don't remember how to make friends anymore; how to initiate anyway. As a mother you sort of congregate towards other mothers with children of matching age. It's relatively natural and simple.

But what if she isn't a mother? And what if she isn't married? What if she thinks I am hitting on her?

I can't say the following for sure "live around here?", "come here often?", "nice day out today, isn't it?"

I love the elegant tattoos on her arms, I am pretty sure that we could be best friends. I am also pretty sure she would be a great lead singer for the band I will form.

I also think she would skateboard with me and probably has some Vans. Her name could be one of these: Rachel, Amy, Gretchen, Kim, or Mary.

I imagine she doesn't smoke/ do drugs and is quite serious about staying so thin. I think she went to the spinning class when I was stepping onto the treadmill.

We probably can't be best friends if she is in the spinning class. I am just not coordinated or hardcore enough to spin.

So that leaves me with the perfume lady. And her sidekick Estee Lauder.*

------

* I have actually made some awesome friends here that I can rely on in a crunch, laugh & have fun with. I am so grateful for them. They are a lot better at making friends than I am.

psychocandy

In my most recent job before having my baby, I was mostly sad to leave because I had the ideal boss. He was the only true mentor I ever had in the HR industry. He was cool, intelligent, approachable, and genuine. That combination in a boss just doesn't really exist. AND he actually listened to The Jesus and Mary Chain. We worked well together and I am sure he is now 12 promotions up.

He gave Christmas gifts to all of us 'staff' and go ahead.....ask me what I got. Wilco CDs. That's right. From my boss.

He even killed a spider for me once that was in my office! I emailed his boss to make sure it would be included in the Teamwork part of his Annual Review.

It was hard to tell him the news I was leaving because I didn't want to disappoint a cool boss I knew I would never have again. I knew he was pulling for me to go places and gave me so many opportunities to grow and learn without judgement.

How do you tell someone 'thanks' and 'goodbye' when they have contributed so much support to the success of your career!? I thought for months about proper gift ideas from stores I knew he shopped at.

A month or so before I left, I was in the Hershey's Store in Times Square. That's when I saw it, the perfect gift! A giant Reese's mug overflowing with mini Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. The only candy he would ever accept from the candy dishes on my desk. It wasn't quite the send-off I was hoping for, but it would do nicely. I would give it to him on my last day.

This huge mug of chocolate stared at me for days from my bedroom dresser waiting to be eaten. BEGGING to be eaten. On day five I gave in and ate my boss's gift. He never got my thank you gift. I ate it all.

***

This is the part where my mom calls to remind me of all the candy I would eat instead of selling for school fundraisers.

Saturday was first kite day

Curse of the Rated R Rabbit

I grew up watching rated R movies. I laughed when heads rolled off of bodies on Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I scoffed at the awful special effects of each Jason and Freddie movie. The blood, language, and violence did not bother me. But something changed as I became an adult.

I tend to get wrapped up in movies like I am in the life of the movie. The characters, if the movie is done well, become my friends and family instantly. I assume there will be the American happy ending because so far, I am pretty happy in life. No tragic deaths of loved ones, no mafia connections (besides an old neighbor), no kidnappings, no addiction to drugs or alcohol. We go to sleep snug in our beds all tucked in and doors safely locked. Sometimes we get freaky, but I won't write about that here. And it's actually more often instead of sometimes, but I will leave it at that.

So back to my point. The Netflix deal has us watching roughly 2 movies every week once Zane goes to sleep. I am lazy about managing the list and have let Mike steer this ship. Many of the movies are award winning and some are indie. A few romance movies slip in, as my husband would like the often to be more of an always. We have exhausted all of the PG-13 movies from the list and we have begun again with the Rs.

Perhaps I am no longer as naive to think murder and death are fake. Psycho people really exist and I am sure I sat next to several of them on the subways of NY, drive next to them on the roads of CA, and went to school with many in AZ, not to mention the terrorists that lived short blocks away from where I worked in Jersey City, NJ.

Jason movies are a little far-fetched, but the notion of not being safe is triggered in my mind when I hear gun shots, see blood, and watch homes collapse in sadness on the screen. Especially as a parent, I am scarred if a beloved character in a movie has a child of any age and is 'killed off'. It hangs in my heart for days and it's all I can think about. I mourn with the characters long after the movie is over. It's rather pathetic.

The mafia movies, I have trouble sleeping at night. I keep thinking a hit man is going to do a drive-by with assault rifles. That Zane will be gone in the morning and a bloody horse's head is going to be there instead. It twists me inside and I have to check on him every hour of the night. And will Mike make it home from work tomorrow? Or will he be covered in wet cement in a dark basement?

I guess all I am saying is my heart beats too fast, more than my body can handle, with many rated R movies. I fear enough for the safety of my son without filling my head with insane and far-fetched possibilities of insecurity and death, pain and suffering. Normal people can probably tune these things out and end it with the movie. Not me.

That said, I either need some recommendations for non-fear-inducing (happy) rated R movies or I have to stop watching them altogether. And then what will I do about my Amelie and Goodwill Hunting?

my martin fit

Very few things make me miss the office these days. These are some of them.

1-3 BR, Nord, J.Crew

alone

one lonesome red leaf greeted us this morning. i can't wait for his yellow and orange friends to come out and play this fall.

...Flies a Kite

--> DCFC is touring everywhere but San Francisco. It's because I made fun of the way the lead singer dances, I know it. Sorry, SF. I owe you all an apology for missing out this year.

--> My husband and I have hugely separate interests. Last night there was a truce. OKGO was on The Colbert Report. People all over the world were holding hands and smiling at the colliding forces.

--> Not enjoying the voice selected for The Man in the Yellow Hat. He is too mysterious and cool of a guy to have such a happy, Howdy Doody tone.

--> We turn pink in the sun. That's what we do. No amount of green popsicle can stop it.

guess who learned html. finally. 15 years late.

e

i know, i know.

pretty much the coolest thing you have ever seen.

lindsay wildlife museum